All my life I have been battling some inner demons. Everybody does, so this is certainly not a newsflash of any sort, but just lately they have really been rearing their ugly heads.
As a child, I was terribly shy. This made it extremely difficult to make friends. As a teenager, I was still a shy girl, but I also wasn't a part of the popular crowd in high school. I never had the best of everything like the rest of the kids did and I wasn't pretty like most of them, either. You would think this was bad enough, but there were some kids who made sure I knew this and would call me names and pick on me. I never felt good enough.
I got married and soon learned that I wasn't the most important thing in my husband's life. His parents were always number one with him. I could never do anything like his mother and he made sure I knew it. Again, I never felt good enough.
After my divorce, I moved away from my family and my life I had while married. I have a wonderful job, my kids are growing up to be fantastic young men, and I am dating a great guy. Things are better for me for the most part, but because of things from my childhood, I still lack the self confidence I need to completely move forward and do the things I want to do.
I constantly feel like I am not good enough. Most of the time I feel like I could be a better parent, I always feel like I let my boyfriend down with everything that I do, and the list goes on. I wish I could be at peace with my imperfections but so far that hasn't happened. Maybe one day.
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It's so unfortunate that sometimes when we are younger we have to suffer the hurt of growing from children into adults.
ReplyDeleteI understand completely about a marriage that was not successful, but you must realise now that those days are gone. I realise the hurt you went through is not easy to shake off but the one thing I believe you need to do is to know that what has happened in the past, NONE of it was your fault. You need to let go of the past you fear and concentrate on the present and the future.
Step back and look what you've got, a great partner, great kids you are naturally proud of, fantastic friends and so on. The future is bright for you Julie. But the one thing you need to do is realise that and know that others around you don't feel you're letting them down.
It is said we live two lives, the one we learn by and the one we live. It's now your turn to live.
Wow! It sounds you like you are talking about my own life. I went through pretty much all of the same things. I still don't feel good enough and always feel out of place. I often feel like when I leave the room everyone else starts talking about me and saying negative things.
ReplyDeleteWe just have to make the conscious effort to remind ourselves that we are very blessed with what we do have and that some of our insecurities w/other's may just be in our own minds. It's a hard thing to do though.